This photo has always brought chills to my heart, not because it shows a dead person but because it shows my father (the smallest boy with bow tie) and his older brothers mourning the death of their mother at a very tender age.  I cannot fully fathom the feelings of children who are left by one or both parents much too soon.  I even wonder how the mother feels (if there is such a thing as feelings after life) for having to leave such unprepared and innocent beings behind.

Leaving my children too early has been my secret fear for a long time.  I became aware of it from the moment I had my first child.  I feel responsible for seeing through all my children's needs to the end that I actually feel scared that something will happen to prevent me from doing that.  The desire to protect them at all cost and provide the best for them came on instinct and not by some complex motherly plan or delegation.

If there was such a thing as a plan, it would be to stay alive at least until my children are able to take care of themselves.  I would consider it a gift if I will still be here until my youngest has her own family.  I have managed my fear so far with prayers, believing that God will let me finish His plan for me.

Yesterday however, my secret fear came rushing back to my senses after an indescribable pain came over my body after an especially stressful event.  My initial thoughts were on my children.  Will they be alright without me?  Will they get to finish school?  Can my husband manage by himself? And then there is still my last obligation to my father - Ambos Mundos.  Will I get to finish it in time? 

So many things to do, so little time.  Oh Lord, Give me time...